Jason

one down, whats next?!

The bitterness is completely gone, but has it been replaced by something much worse? cynicism and numbness… or is it?

well, tonight is the night that i can really say that im over the bitterness of my past relationship. I went out with "her" tonight which is approximately a year after our break-up (i cant remember if it was november or december last year). well, the night wasnt really eventful, and i dont think mentioning what happened tonight is really important. What matters is that i can really say that im OK wih the way things are already. we’re friends and it feels great. honestly i was worried at first that finally seeing her again after a long time would destroy all my past efforts to heal and "let go" but we were finally together and yeah we were kinda sweet and all but it was the closeness and warmth of friendship rather than of anything passionate.

on a side note, december 21, six years ago, we became a couple… astig diba?

well, thats was the good part of this journal… now comes my dilemma…

its about me dealing with love and relationships… whatever it is, its been bugging me for quite a while but a conversation i had with aira (btw, shes the ex i mentioned earlier) a few days ago, finally put into words the dilemma ive been going through… i feel as if im cynical about love, relationships and even about the birds and the bees. i feel so numb.

weirder thing is that even with this so called cynicism, deep down, i long to fall again… im messed up, right? i long for a feeling that i fear im presently incapable of feeling…

am i too guarded? i havent been really opening up to people in a while. i used to be a COMPLETELY OPEN BOOK but now it seems ive been tearing up and hiding a few pages of my life. I used to be all emotional and all that sh*t  but the last time i could remember tears falling from my eyes was way back in feb when my bestfriend left for the states. (miss you pei!) this is soooo not me… i fear that maybe one day ill just explode…

whenever i feel shitty or whatever, i just dismiss it… i keep myself busy to the point of total exhaustion to avoid thinking of whatever problems that i have. (is there? i dunno… like i said, i dont fuss about it) rather than fussing over emotional garbage, i give myself other things to worry about. i load myself with everything physically draining to mask the emotional drain that im going through.  and at times when i get all too emotional, in a while, i snap out of it and just go on like nothings bothering me.

ehehe… like right now… i just realized im at it again… sheeeesh… enough of this drama… bwahehehehe…

iIn a few hours, I’ll be leaving the comforts of home and face one of the biggest challenges I’ve put myself to…

I’ll be on a bus travelling past midnight to the province of Zambales and assault Mt. Tapulao, a.k.a High Peak… This is going to my my first major climb. Thats three whole days away from civilization. The climb is gonna take the whole day of Saturday and Sunday will be filled with activities coz’ its my induction climb into the De La Salle Mountaineering Society (whats in store? I have no idea) and Monday we’ll start descent and head back home.

Honestly, I’m a little worried. Even with the trainings we’ve had, I still wish I’m a bit fitter than I am right now. With my pack on, I feel like the world is literally on my shoulders. I weighed it and it hit 60lbs on the scale! thats 1/3 of my weight!!! (well, 1/3 is the recommended weight but I wish I could make it lighter…) I got a pair of trekking poles already to help ease the weight on my legs.

Hmmm… thats three days without taking a bath!!! well, there’s wet ones, right? And it looks like I’m going to take a crap out there! aaaaah… the ultimate way to commune with nature! hehehehe… just dig a six inch hole, aim, bombs away!!! hahahaha!

When I get back home, I’m going to indulge myself to a sumptuous meal (steak!) and have a good  long warm bath!I hope I’ll still have some moolah and afford a whole body massage… ahhh… I can just imagine that now…

Well, wish me luck guys…

oh crap… im bored as hell…

hmmm… lifes sucking more than usual these days…

tiring too… feels like i take too much effort in order to stay happy or content (or fool myself thinking that i am)…

blah… blah… blah… yada… yada… yada…

here i go again whining as usual…

crap…

holy crap… where’d all that drama come from last night that led me to posting all those stuff?!

sheeesh… gotta shake that off…

I wish i could turn back time, or move forward and get the chance i failed to grab hold of…

If Only

If only you can hear me

I’d let you know, how I miss you so

Forgive me, I was blind to see

I was a fool to ever let you go

Believe in me, I want you to know

 
Chorus:

That I have realized with no one

Else I’d rather be

But then I know that you have

Found yourself somebody new

Hope I could find you in another

Place and time

I’ve proven it’s true

I’m still in love with you

 
Every night, I’ve been dreaming

About the time when you were mine

The memories, I will be keeping

Oh I was so wrong to let our

Chance go by

So listen now, I never will deny

 
Chorus:

That I have realized with no one

Else I’d rather be

But then I know that you have

Found yourself somebody new

Hope I could find you in another

Place and time

I’ve proven it’s true

I’m still in love with you

 
If only, you can hear me

I’d let you know, oh how I miss you so

Believe in me, I want you to know

 
Chorus:

That I have realized with no one

Else I’d rather be

But then I know that you have

Found yourself somebody new

Hope I could find you in another

Place and time

I’ve proven it’s true

I’m still in love with you

(Repeat)

i was in love… it was a roller coaster love affair which ended in a crash…

i was hurt… i was bitter…

i learned to let go… i inched my way to moving on with my life…

im ok… or am i really?!

i long for love but i back away when it comes knocking at my door…

now, im haunted by so many "what ifs"

so many chances i regret letting go

i ask myself why the hell did i build this wall around me…

and will i or will someone be able to knock it down…

oh well… ganyan talaga ang buhay… parang life… ’nuff said!

Got this from an e-mail… its worth reading…

Falling in Love

by Kent Nerburn

It is a mystery why we fall in love.

It is a mystery how it happens.

It is a mystery when it comes.

It is a mystery why some love grows and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You
can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will
never do anymore than take the life out of the experience.

Just
as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and
electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the
interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share.

And
just as life is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the
coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be
questioned in its ways.

Sometimes,
hopefully at least once in your life – the gift of love will come to
you in full flower, and you will take hold of it and celebrate it in
all inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share.

More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When
this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and
hold it to them, refusing to see that it is gift that is freely given
and a gift that just as freely, moves away.

When
they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love
leaving, they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather
than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.

They want answers where there are no answers. They
want to know what is wrong in them that makes the other person no
longer love them, or they try to get their lover to change, thinking
that if some small things were different, love would bloom again.

They blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and start a new life together, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what happened. But there is no meaning beyond love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of misery.

You need to know this about love, and to accept it.

You need to treat what it brings you with kindness.

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If
you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him/her, feel
honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the
gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How
you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel
the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If
you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and
then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don’t choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.

Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They
see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they
begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from
them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away…

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But
if it choose to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover,
there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.

Love always has been and always will be a mystery.

Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.

If you keep your heart open, it will come again.

Owww… that’s my body complaining… I’m aching all over and
got bruises everywhere. It took me a while before I go out of bed this morning
and I missed my class!!! Why? I just came home last night from our climb up
Pico de Loro in Cavite.

Don’t think I’m complaining… its just the body aches that
makes me whine right now but it was all worth it! It was a challenge that I’ve
been longing for quite a while now.

Every time I climb, I’d end up whining and complaining. I
keep on asking myself why do I put myself into situations like this?! Going up
and down the trail for hours getting all sweaty and muddy while carrying an
insanely HEAVY pack on my back… What a way to spend a weekend, right?! Well,
the answer always hits me once I reach the peak…

The view up there can’t compare to anything down here.
Everything’s surreal and I get this sublime feeling that just takes all the
exhaustion away! Heaven, that’s what the mountain is for me.

This climb is going to be very memorable for me. It’s my
first climb after almost two years and a lot happened!

First, a new lesson… Instead of slippers, it’s smarter to
bring sandals for the camp just incase your hiking shoes quits on you!!! My
boots gave up on me early during the ascent and I had to wear slippers for
quite a while. After a while, I knew I couldn’t go on wearing that so I had to
find a remedy for my boots… It’s a miracle what a good piece of rope can do… =)

Second lesson, actually an old one but still I don’t know how to remedy it is to
PACK LIGHT!!! The whole trip could have been so much easier for me if only I
lessened my load. The problem is, I pack only what I need but it’s still
insanely heavy!!! I guess that’s what I get for having everything that I need.
The only solution I can think of is to bulk up more muscles and increase my
endurance.

The camp had a beautiful view of the peak itself and the
lands below us. Oh, for those who don’t know, its named Pico de Loro because
the peak is shaped like the beak of a parrot.

It was the first time that I experienced heavy rains while
up there. Luckily my tent was good enough. It had some leaks but at least it
didn’t flood inside. It was just irritating that it started raining while we
were packing up and was about to have breakfast. A lot of my stuff got wet!
Even with less than half of the water I brought up, the soaked tent made my
pack a lot heavier!!!

The trek up the peak was treacherous and a slip could leave
me rolling down and taking those below me along. The muddy ground and the pack
that disturbs my balance was such a great help in making it all the more
harder… and I almost forgot to mention the shoe that was just patched up… I was
scared like hell but I kept on going slowly but surely (sorry guys! I kinda
slowed things up). Anyway, I believe that true courage isn’t measured when you
don’t get scared, it’s when you get scared but still face your fears head on.

Death, another thing that entered my mind starting from the
trek up the peak and during the short leg going down the other way. One
miscalculation, one miss, one “oooops” will surely mean the end of my
existence. But at those moments, that short time that I was near death, I felt
truly alive! I fear death but I’d rather burn out than simply fade away. I love
life but being on the edge give life more meaning.

And as the saying goes, “that which does not kill me only
makes me stronger.” I do believe that I’m much stronger now. I endured all that
up there, what can stop me down here?

i need a reason…

i hate this feeling, the feeling that you’re just living each waking moment because you have no other option. (Well, unless you’ve gone way overboard and find suicide an option… not me!) I feel as if I’m just existing but not really living.

Almost everyone knows I’m the "carpe diem!" guy… sieze the day… yeah, i try to… but sometimes I stop and wonder if I’m really making the most out of my life, or I’m just trying to delude myself from the emptiness (is it?!) that I really feel.

I feel that I’m lacking the drive and passion that I’ve always pictured a person living his life to the fullest has. I want to  wake up in the morning looking forward to the day ahead and go to bed at night excited for whats in store for me the next day.

excitement? hmm… maybe thats one crucial thing thats missing. I wish my life would be a little less routinary as it has been for quite some time now. boredom is killing me. i guess a little challenge wouldnt be so bad either…

I’m having a great time with my friends now. My new "tropa" are really fun to be with. Tambay, drinking, playing DotA (a warcraft3 mod). But i guess what i really miss are those long personal and intimate conversations I used to have all so often. I miss baring my soul in deep conversation. I badly long for someone to stimulate my mind (nothing green here, you perv!)

And most of all, i terribly miss my bestfriends… Pei is in the States and I miss all our crazy times together… I long for more of those… Myla is in Qatar, and I wish I could be there for her right now coz shes going through quite a lot now. And May, uhhmmm… shes here in the Philippines but it feels as if shes the farthest from me (well, im kinda used to her being like that)

Did I make any sense here? or is this post just like my other usual rants… well, pardon me… im just typing away what first comes into my head…

well, a reason… basically thats it… i need a reason… and i have no idea where to find it…

I’m soooooo bored!!!

Everythings been dreary these past few days and I’m badly in need of a little dose of insanity!!!

School sucks… I’m stuck with boring G.E. subjects… Sheeeeesh! I have 3 hours of basic computer every week!!! IN ONE DAY!!! I’m stuck in my seat, barely able to keep my eyes open, while being taught how to use windows!!! <I’d rather hang myself!> AND THE HEAT!!!! Feels like im being roasted everyday!!! its raining everyday but still so freakin’ HUMID!!!

I miss my bestfriends… Mei’s back in Jersey… Myla’s now in Quatar!… and May, well, busy as usual… My birthday is coming up! you guys better mail me my gifts soon! hehehehe… (joke! but of course, jokes are half meant!)

Havent seen my high school ‘kada in a while too… and Lally…. hey! ahmishyah!!! when we gonna go out again?

UPLB Peepz… I’m longing to go back there and see you guys! RCY members and other alumni, our anniv’s coming up soon! hope to see you guys there!!! Badgers! whens our next climb?!

Twy… it seems that there are unseen forces blocking our way to see each other! We’ve been planning to meet for months and still to no avail!!! I wanna see your little Ayesha too!!!

I saw most of my pseudo-blockmates last sem yesterday… it was great seeing you guys even for a while! gumraduate kasi agad at nang-iwan eh! Ate elaine!!!! bat wala ka?! I was hoping that I’d see yah!

Well, I better go to sleep… gotta be in school in a few hours… I’m getting to old for this shit (undergrad school!!!)…

well, I just hope something interesting happens later… I’ll be applying for the mountaineers… hope that would make things a little more interesting…

GOODNIGHT TO ME… I hope that recurring dream I’ve had lately would stop bugging me…

<I wonder the people I mentioned here would ever get to read this… oh well…)